Young adults’ perspective on romantic relationships is changing as signs of emotional abuse are being normalized and are considered as the new idea of “love” within media portrayals.
Growing up, I was obsessed with romance, particularly romantic comedies and novels about how the good guy gets the girl. However, my perspective began to change when I started to read and watch more media where male characters with a dark past and bad behavior were depicted as more intriguing.
According to Iris, a student-run magazine published by the University of Virginia, college student journalist Caroline Bohra examined two popular shows that she watched growing up, “Gossip Girl” and “The Vampire Diaries.” She realized the couples she was once obsessed with were not depictions of healthy relationships.
“They were stories of teenage girls who were expected to fix and save the ‘bad boys’ in their lives, and whenever these girls tried to leave they were emotionally manipulated at every turn,” Bohra said.
Bohra also said the idea of girls typically wanting “bad boys” and that the “nice guys” tend to finish last. Based on the image that tends to perpetuate social media, I believe Bohra’s statement to be true as young women tend to be portrayed as more interested in possessive guys.
Nicole Talarico, a lecturer in the Psychology department at California Lutheran University, said that when we spend time on our devices, we almost misperceive what we see in the media as a reality when it is not.
“I think we’re inundated you know, we carry our phones with us 24/7, and with social media, movies, television, video games, everything is our world now and I think it’s almost like an overexposure to things…when we’re spending too much time on our devices, we almost misperceive what we see online,” Talarico said.
Talarico said the romanticization of emotional abuse in romantic relationships affects young adults’ mental health and self-esteem leading to high levels of stress and depression.
“If you cannot insert your opinions and if somebody says ‘it doesn’t matter,’ you feel a sense of lack of control, it’s very easy for an ‘I’ to get swooped into a ‘we’ and to lose your identity,” Talarico said.
In the past, I dealt with these specific factors after ending a two-year relationship with my former partner. I had started to become aware that the relationship was unhealthy– and often remembered how I would get frequent headaches and a high level of anxiety. My body would react differently based on his actions and the negative situations he put me through.
Having specific expectations in a relationship can be complicated, especially with how the media portrays the idea of manipulation and mistreatment from well-beloved characters.
According to The Times-Delphic, a student-run newspaper published by Drake University, college student reporter Leannah Choi mentions the three most common phrases used in social media that “have integrated into many people’s perspectives on relationships such as: “If they wanted to, they would,” “I can fix them” and methods on “how to make someone obsessed with you.” However, I want to focus on the phrase, “I can fix them.”
“The running joke of ‘I can fix them’ has perpetually become a romanticization of toxic behaviors and patterns,” Choi said.
On my social media feed, I will always see this specific phrase as a common trend that has been used numerous times for wanting someone who had a dark past and fixed their trauma. I feel like those who believe in this phrase will be trying to find someone who has trauma to have a complicated relationship, such as Chuck and Blair from the hit TV series “Gossip Girl.”
Sophomore communication major Liam Flenniken said he thinks the media has impacted young adults’ perceptions of what a healthy relationship is due to the creation of unrealistic standards.
“A lot of the relationship content out there are gonna be showing a lot of issues, which is of course normal, but I don’t think TV shows are going to be pristine outlets to show [healthy] relationships,” Flenniken said.
Flenniken said the perception of relationships has been changing over these past decades based on social media, movies, and television series.
If we were to compare modern media to that of the 2000s, it seems that young adults were often shown the idea of “soft romance.” From my perspective, this traditionally involves female protagonists falling in love with someone who performs nice gestures and is a gentleman. However, following the rise of dark romance in the late 2010s, many female protagonists began to fall in love with the villains.
Often emotionally unavailable and lacking respect for boundaries, these villains fuel conflicts within the relationship. For instance, the drama TV show “You” is about a male protagonist, Joe Goldberg, who is a stalker and serial killer, and his main goal is finding the “one” he wants to love and spend the rest of his life with. When dating Beck, Joe thinks he knows what is best for Beck, and all the bad things he did were under the idea of love and protection. Viewers may see this behavior as romantic, but realistically it is something that should not be condoned.
It’s important to recognize the signs of emotional abuse in relationships and unfortunately, our generation has normalized these negative depictions as part of a relationship. It inevitably becomes far too easy to forget what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.
“It’s respect, independence, feeling comfortable in your own skin, not having you know to feel powerless. Just that mutual respect, being able to compromise and having your voice heard,” Talarico said.
Romantic relationships can mean different things to different individuals. However, it is important to remember not to lose yourself in a relationship. Letting a person control and manipulate you as a way of showing their affection towards you is not love. We shouldn’t forget that we have a support system that cares and supports us.
“Keep a network of people around you that can make sure that the rose-colored glasses aren’t always on your face,” Flenniken said.
It’s time to denormalize emotional abuse, stand up for ourselves, and reflect on what we want for ourselves, including what we are looking for when it comes to falling in love with someone.
